The Nature of Belief

After the loss, a love letter.

Today would be a good day to take a long walk, if you can. Get out in nature. Do it alone, or in the company of a close friend. Start a new self-care routine. Exercise and eat well.

Last night, after I’d satisfied myself that the bad news was indeed bad news and was not going to be reversed by some miracle—this was about 8:00 San Francisco time—I turned out the light and lay in the dark and waited for sleep. It’s important to let yourself feel grief, to feel it fully. That’s not easy for me, as it isn’t for many of us, but when I manage it, I always find some healing wisdom in it.

What came to me, as I lay quietly, was the memory of a conversation I had some years ago with a friend of a friend. Barry’s a few years older than me. He’s practiced meditation lifelong. We were sharing a dinner I’d prepared. Barry told me a story from his life—something about his father—and after a while came around to some advice for me. “Let your misfortunes humble you,” he said. “Let them wear down your edges.”

Losing is humbling. It’s all the more humbling when you know you’re in the right and you thought you’d win. For now, I’m not going to shake my fist and vow to fight another day. I’m letting myself feel the loss.

For now, that will be enough. I do expect to get something from it, to carry me forward. Humility, when it’s genuinely felt, opens up compassion, and if you accompany that feeling, if you go with yourself on a journey inwardly, you’ll find that in time the same feeling turns outward, inexorably. I intend to extend more kindness to those close to me, and to reach out to others who I meet who need or offer kindness. This will be the expression of my grief.

For me, this is the right preparation for resistance. The time for that will come soon enough. By resistance I’m thinking not only of political resistance. Fascism is a totality. Cruelty and indifference—those human failings—come in countless forms. They seep into every aspect of life and social relationships. For this reason, cruelty and indifference can be resisted in everywhere, in art, and music, in building social connections, in every aspect of one’s behavior toward oneself and others. In every moment.

To resist, however, requires having one’s feet planted firmly on moral ground. There is good news here. When I think of the campaign just ended—Kamala Harris’ campaign, a welcome expression of one woman’s personality—I think of the people who supported it, joined it, worked for it, and how what we did together was a high expression of social ideals, of social cohesion, of a mass movement toward a better society on a healthier planet. What strikes me most about our country’s division is not the grab-bag of policy differences, as important as those are. It is the stark difference between a spirit of inclusion and social trust on our side vs. the countervailing idea, on the other side, that society (and politics) are transactional.

The latter idea, along with its cynical illusion of what human beings are, is an expression of the capitalist epoch. The former ideal of inclusion and social trust has been expressed in all epochs but can only come to realization through our long and painful transformation to a society organized through the conscious intentionality of its participants.

So I’m grieving the loss of my child’s future, of the planet, of democracy. Perhaps most of all I’m grieving the loss of my illusion of where this country was at, when taken in total. We are more sick and more self-destructive than I’d feared in my worst moments.

In resisting, I’m preparing to give the fascists no quarter. Our side, with all its divisions and differences, has the main part right: It’s about inclusion, and trust, and being secure and vulnerable enough to reach out toward a common destiny. When we talk of unity, it is on this basis only: Everybody in, nobody out.

As to their side—and “they” are every person who, for whatever reason, endorsed or worked for or voted for fascism, and especially the cynics who pretend to be neutral but provide moral cover for fascists—our invitation is always there, in each and every moment, for any one of them to change their mind and join the human race. However, as long as I live (and I intend to go on living) I will fight their cruelty and indifference with everything I have, including, when I can muster it, my love and compassion for you, my comrade in arms.

Post-Industrial

This morning, as Zoe was headed for another week of 9th grade, she said she still liked school, but what she didn’t like was being in school for eight hours to get two hours of learning.

I knew just what she meant. By her age, I’d been feeling that way for a couple of years already. Eighth grade was as far as I got in any kind of conventional schooling. I couldn’t stand the idea that I was being trained in the indispensable skill of being bored. It feels like a deliberate crushing of your spirit. It makes you employable.

We’ve been saying “post-industrial” since the 1970s, even before the Reagan-era watchwords “automation,” “offshoring,” and “rustbelt.” Fifty years on–and with my retirement from engineering to focus on writing–I’m getting visions of what post-industrial life it might really be like.

One day in 1985, in my senior year studying civil engineering, I took the subway downtown to a job interview. The firm was in a converted loft building, in the garment district. The sewing machines had been supplanted by carrel desks, in melamine rows, where white-shirted men sat, many of them with copies of the American Institute of Steel Construction manual. I recognized the red leatherette cover, the way each man had hedgehogged his copy with paper clips marking pages with the key tables, so he could look up the entries to his calculations. They were sizing girders and beams and braces for bridges and skyscrapers, writing the calculations on paper sheets, formatting the calculations to allow ready checking and review.

The first IBM PCs had already arrived in that office. Those men’s jobs were about to evaporate, in favor of better calculation methods (finite element analysis) that can analyze structural designs more beautiful and elegant than what came before.

At its best, engineering education instills a mental closeness to material properties. This closeness is akin to what is required for, say, baking or leatherwork, but at the higher, more abstract level made possible when the material properties are made consistent by quality control in manufacturing. The engineer’s confidence in a design–confidence that the bridge or building will stand up and not fall down–is derived from confidence in the mathematical representation of how the steel compresses or stretches or bends, rather than direct observation. But it is still, in some sense, still felt, and as such, it is still craft.

As the post-industrial future comes into focus, I’m feeling that the transition in the daily experience of work–its phenomenology–is away from the rote and regimented, away from looking things up, away from rule-based judgements. Those are all things computers, and artificial “intelligence,” can do faster, better, cheaper than human beings. No one needs to sit in rows, in carrels, doing a job.

We do need to practice craft, though, and more of it. We are swamped in commodities but have a deficit of value–and value comes from the application of human skill to material substance. Being able to practice craft requires discipline, grit, and the capacity to tolerate discomfort. But it doesn’t require–I don’t think–practice at boredom.

I envision a world, not within my own lifetime but possibly within Zoe’s, where work as we now know it is mostly replaced, not by leisure but by craft. Where human engagement in production of things, of commodities, is bit by bit replaced by the everyday application of feeling, creativity, and mastery to unique problems. And the output of that engagement is beauty, or service, or caring, or glory. But not money.

Standing in the ruins

of Cahal Pech in San Ignacio, Belize.

There is a lot of speculation as to why this city was abandoned after thriving for 1000 years.

I’m looking at the quality of the construction–the dressing of the stones, how carefully and masterfully they are laid up–and I’m wondering about the way these beautiful spaces were used. I’m thinking about what energy, what organization, it must have taken to build the city, to continually add on to it, to maintain it.

It must have taken an enormous division of labor–meaning an enormous exploitation of, and ranking among, the people who lived here.

One possible explanation of what happened is that the people who were doing the labor, who embodied the craft, decided they no longer needed to be exploited in that way. Maybe they just decided to stop building, maintaining, and serving. And once they decided to stop being exploited, there was no way the city could continue.

Cahal Pech

I continue my walk around the plaza. I look at the monuments.

Why is that possible explanation–that a refusal by laborers and craftspeople, a social evolution toward equality, brought down this city–why is this explanation not offered up? Why is it left unsaid?

Why not suggest, to today’s visitors, the idea that when the whole edifice of a civilization depends on social division and exploitation, the civilization itself is vulnerable to the eventuality that people will decide they don’t need to put up with that social division and exploitation anymore, and absent a solution for it, will let the city and the civilization decay into ruins.

Looking down on a plaza at Cahal Pech

I walk under the arches, stand on a wall and look down at an open plaza.

Maybe there’s another explanation. Maybe the laborers and craftspeople and elites lived in this city, worshipped here, maintained it, and after 1000 years everybody got so good at building and maintaining it that they just didn’t need the ranking and the exploitation as much. Maybe the conscious experience of being one of the laborers and craftspeople who built, maintained, and served–maybe the character of that conscious experience changed.

And maybe the ruling elite, sensing the change in that experience, tried to ensure the social ranking nonetheless stayed more or less the same by giving the workers technical training, promised them the imminent return of manufacturing jobs, promised to maintain for them the secure feeling of a familiar social order in the face of advancing skills, knowledge, technology.

And maybe that didn’t work, couldn’t work. because the real glory of the civilization they had built wasn’t in the technology, wasn’t in the achievement of building the city, the glory was in human imagination and human ability to dream and to manifest dreams.

And the dreams of the people who had been workers were larger than the city itself, those dreams rose above figuring out better and faster ways to replicate and expand the existing order.

The Weight

I can’t bring myself to say anything nice about Robbie Robertson, who wrote The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.

1969 marked the rise of a southern inflected Americana in “hip” popular culture—Dylan’s Nashville Skyline was released that same year. On the folk side, it departed from the protest music of the Phil Ochs, the Weavers, the early Dylan. On the blues side, it left behind the intense experimentation that came out of Muddy Waters and led to Hendrix.

The southern-inflected Americana was mellower than those styles, it hit savory notes of homecoming and rightful place,; it wasn’t threatening or jazzy or strident. The 60s were becoming the 70s. Hippiedom had leaked from the college campuses and artists’ ghettos; a lot of regular guys came back from ‘Nam and found they couldn’t fit in either, grew their hair out, and pretty soon you couldn’t really be sure that someone who wore long hair and beads and smoked dope was actually aligned with the values in the Port Huron Statement. Politically, they could be anywhere, and you might be rebelling against anything, or nothing.

And soon after there was country rock and southern rock and Olivia Newton John. And the revolution was postponed; it was over really, and Nixon’s men would soon be Ford’s, and then Reagan’s, and (some of them) eventually Trump’s men.

If I was charitable (or as charitable as I ever get) I could dismiss Robertson as just an ignorant Canadian, a commercial opportunist cashing in on a reactionary trend, like so many smart and ambitious people do when a nation drifts toward fascism.

Except I can’t be charitable, here, I have to be pissy and damning, because there are, out there, white folks whose need for feelings of comfort and reassurance outweigh any moral sensibility, and who will, as a result, make excuses for that song, or even for (God help us) Sweet Home Alabama, which sound the same notes as the lame excuses you’ll hear many white people make for Trump supporters (because they’re low-information or tied to the land and have economic anxiety, or something).

Those excuses reveal what “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” reveals, which is not only latent longing for a more potent and virile white supremacy, but something deeper in the souls of white folk: A craving for a fake version of authenticity that can paper over the deep-down inauthenticity that defines them.

You see, the Canadian Robertson’s latching on to Americana was a cynical cashing in, but it was much more than that, it was an ingestion and spewing out of the endless lie that is the American South itself, the lie that imbues every twangy syllable, every fatty overly salted meal, every exhausted acre of farmland. Just this week, it had to be said that no, there is no redeeming quality to the history of slavery. None. And there is no genuine authenticity to be had in any of its trappings.

No matter how you try to twist it.

There is great power in throwing it all away, in finally dismissing that fake Southern white bid for authenticity, in dismissing all of it, for what it was and is. And that power is to be allowed to seek something new, a new grit and authenticity in the American soul, one that recognizes the Southern white lie, calls it out, stamps on it, and then looks forward to something better.

(Crossposted to DailyKos, where it generated some interesting discussion.)

Healing and Toxic Positivity

Retirement, career change, aging, call it what you will. I’m experiencing those changes, I’m feeling addled, or wiser. Call that what you will, too.

This morning, an article in the Washington Post. I so admire Deb Haaland, and I admire Joe Biden for appointing her. She’s sitting in long public meetings, taking testimony about the collective trauma suffered by indigenous people.

On this Saturday in June, Haaland rarely spoke for hours, listening deep into the afternoon, thanking everyone for sharing their stories of brutality and grief. The tour is essential to her department’s mission; healing a constant in her conversation.

“In a way, we’re also healing our country. That history is American history,” she said a few days later in her Interior Department office, down a wide hall lined with portraits of past secretaries, almost all of them White men, almost all curiously painted indoors and devoid of sunlight. “It affects every single American. It affects you whether you realize it or not.”

My own life experience with trauma taught me: The trauma is bad, but you know what’s worse? The denial that follows, the covering up. As in: It didn’t happen, wasn’t that bad, shouldn’t be dwelled upon. Move on.

Because that denial follows up the trauma with othering, as in: This is your problem, this what makes you different from us, this is what makes you less than. Keep it to yourself.

Which makes much of social life, and especially social media, an immersion in a toxic stew of inauthentic positivity.

As I experience these changes, this mid-60s time of life, more and more I’m OK with not being OK. I’m kind of settling into it. I’m learning that healing is not at all about moving on, or returning to “normal,” it’s about coming to terms with what has been and what is.

And what I see in the culture at large is mindless frenzy, the collectively enforced positivity locking all of our faces in the same hideous grin.

Painfully fragile

A friend reposted this cartoon today. It’s from the 7/1/2015 New Yorker.

Let me deconstruct the experience here. Attention is first drawn to the child, and the carefree, joyous innocence of childhood. What could possibly be wrong with a parent’s impulse to protect that innocence?

Then, in the caption, the innocence is revealed as a shameful lie: The carefree moment on the swing is steeped in—inseparable from—the injustice of racism.

It is the parent speaking, of course. These “wonderful, precious years” are not only the child’s, but the parent’s too, because the parent is experiencing (and appreciating) this carefree, joyous innocence in the context of their privileged white family. And what could be wrong with appreciating the safety, security, and uplift that one derives from family?

The cartoon illustrates how whiteness imposes inauthenticity. Innocence, joy, family, security, are conferred to us by an unfair society. When we celebrate what we have, we are must either ignore that unfairness, and thereby magnify it, or else taint our happy moment with an acknowledgement of the unfairness. This mother’s statement in the caption is performative, dour—a come down.

And inescapable.

Can we learn to appreciate our privilege—including wholeheartedly living moments like the one represented in the cartoon—and simultaneously revile our privilege? And do so without irony?

What happens inside you during these moments?

Why they chant: USA! USA!

US Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene and George Santos showed up in NYC, outside Donald Trump’s arraignment, on this day, April 4, which happens to be the 55th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King.

Here is the key fact that most people on our side—the side for democracy and against authoritarianism—will miss about the spectacle.

I could start by saying “The lying is the point,” which is to say that Trump and Greene and Santos and their supporters don’t really believe what they claim to believe. They know it’s all a lie, that Trump is a liar, and what they are defending, there on the streets, is not so much the content of the lie, it is the act of lying itself.

I believe I know this from having grown up in the 1960s south, where everything that white southerners had to say about Black people—most of it horrendously racist, of course—was not really a matter of belief, but a matter of saying, like a school song or an incantation. The act was to repeat the lies; the purpose of the act was to have the power to be gained by repeating the lies. The falsity of what was being repeated gave the act more power, not less, because it takes a commitment to tell a lie, and the power derived from telling the same lie all together is what has held their version of America together since before its founding. The point of repeating the lie is not to express a mistaken belief, nor to convince anyone that the lie is truth but—much more effectively—to entice and browbeat others to join them in repeating a lie known to be false. This is a necessary feature of a truly brutal society.

That is why the small but dedicated crowd of pro-Trumpers gathered outside the arraignment was yelling “USA! USA!” It is a contentless chant, signifying nothing, and the phrase is equally available to either side, except that in context, as it is chanted at rallies and in stadiums, this is what “USA! USA!” means: We uphold the lie of white racial supremacy, even when we know that it is a lie, because we know the lie, and this group repetition of the lie, is what maintains our political power.

By the way, this is why those who don the trappings of red-staters—such as guys who equip their pickup truck with a gun rack and confederate flag sticker and listen to country music and speak with a drawl—this is why those guys come off as authentic. Almost everything they believe is a lie, and they know that what they believe is a lie. But they are genuine in the sense that they are fully committed to upholding their lies, to the point of never showing any doubt, which is easy for them, because their deeply held emotional commitment to lying effectively crowds out any other thoughts they might have about this subject, or just about any other subject for that matter.

Compare this to the painful-to-witness inauthenticity of characters like David Brooks. Brooks knows, just as well as any gun-toting Trumper does, that the ideology of white supremacy is a lie, but instead repeating this lie in a simple and earnest way, endeavors to find some way to make it palatable—to top the lie with enough refined sugar to make it pass for the truth. For example, when the extreme right targeted “wokeness,”— known and defined by both sides as “…the belief there are systemic injustices in American society and the need to address them” (to quote an aide to DeSantis)—Brooks recharacterized and redefined “woke” as a tool of elite Democrats. In this way he aims for a middle ground, neither too far left nor too far right, where he can enjoy the power of the lie and the mantle of the truth at the same time. This inauthenticity is why the so called “moderate” right has no political traction at present.

Which brings me to lessons for our side, the side for democracy and against authoritarianism. The Trumpers are making a last stand, or feel they are making a last stand, for the cause of white supremacy and against the cause of equality. Fact is, no one really knows what a post-white America will look like or be like. This uncertainty can make us falter, hedge our bets, step back when we should stand up. And I see it in my cohort, among progressives generally: a desire to return to some kind of imagined normalcy, sometimes a personal flight to safety, or a dismissal of politics or political possibilities.

But we can win only by finding truths and advancing those truths together, and with common fervor. It’s a hard job, but not impossible. Perhaps we can start by each looking at our own fears, our own individual hesitation to be bold and radical in asserting a social justice agenda, and by reassessing our strategy toward most white Americans, who continue to stand firmly for lying and for the lie of white supremacy.

It does no good to tell the truth to a knowing liar. Instead, it is necessary to convince them of the futility of continuing to repeat what they know is a lie.

Learning the craft

Here’s a great thing about learning the craft of writing: It’s completely OK to charge ahead, even when you don’t know what you’re doing.

This makes it very different from engineering, or from fixing houses or cars, to use examples from my experience. In those endeavors, when you don’t know what you’re doing, your supplies get ruined. You hurt your hands. You end up with something useless, or even dangerous.

But in writing, you’ve lost some time and some paper, and you’ve gained perspective and experience that really help when you get around to studying and learning from people who know more than you do.

It’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas (stove).

Republicans: Really, ban gas stoves? Outrageous! Intrusive!

Democrats: We’re not really proposing to ban gas stoves. Well, at least not right away.

The Republicans’ outrage is performative. The Democrats’ response is weak, unconvincing, entrapped.

What causes this? It’s not just the Democrats’ messaging, as bad as it’s been. We’re working from a bad paradigm, an outdated framework for our understanding.

The paradigm for environmental health, and environmental protection, posits an ideal, “healthy” condition. The news is almost always about a departure from the ideal.

Like the effect of gas stoves on asthma. The story? One in eight cases of childhood asthma are caused by gas stoves.

Start with the Democrats’ well-meaning initiative. Yes, gas stoves contribute to indoor air pollution. Indoor air pollution disproportionately affects children in disadvantaged households and disadvantaged communities, because they are also affected by other sources of air pollution and respiratory stress. Facts.

But the narrative is based in grievance. Children ought to be protected from harm. They are not protected, and something must be done.

What if we placed the facts in a different narrative? Like:

“Technology for cooking at home continues to improve. Not that long ago, houses burned wood or coal for cooking. Piped-in gas was a big improvement: better air quality, fewer fires. Now we have hoods and ventilation and better yet, electric induction stoves that cook better and faster, and are safer and more convenient. Research shows that these technologies are very effective in protecting children’s lungs.

“It’s unfair and concerning that, while many families are investing in new technologies, others are unable to enjoy these benefits to their safety, to their health, and especially children’s health. We are looking for ways to accelerate the transition to healthier indoor air that everyone can enjoy.”

Same facts, but a different story—one that celebrates and motivates progress. And is much harder to oppose.

Why are “progressives” resistant to the narrative of progress and so immersed in our narrative of threat and grievance?

My take: Our privileged intelligentsia, even the most liberal of us, have a class-based bias against progress and change. The epoch of our privilege is waning. The demise of our privilege is hastened with each shift to new modes of producing and living: globalization, automation, and free flow of information. We tend to deny the massive progress in the overall human condition in recent decades, and substitute our own fears, when telling the story.

2023

Last May I applied for admission to San Francisco State University’s Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing Program. I started in mid-August and completed my first four courses in mid-December.

In 15 weeks I wrote three short stories, a dozen poems, and an evening-length play.

Grades are posted, and I’ve established that I can be a top-notch Creative Writing student. I’m aware that isn’t the same as being a writer.

Along with passion and discipline, writing requires an individual voice, and that requires (for me, anyway) some deep digging into my own psyche—a search for self, for authenticity.

I spent the holiday with my kid and her mom, road tripping in California, and during that time I read The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate (just out late last year). I’ve been helped by much of what he has to say. In particular I’ve benefitted particularly from his framework posing a tension, in the course of childhood development, between attachment and authenticity—and how this plays out throughout our lives when the Self becomes lost or buried as we struggle to ensure our safety and survival.