Personal Status

Learning from Zoe

While imbibing our morning stimulants (coffee, coffee with milk, milk, prune juice), family discussion turned to getting teased at school. Zoe’s buddies Josie and Iliana have a few months on her&#8212and they’ll be four before she gets there&#8212and they’ve been reminding her about it. At mention of the teasing, Zoe’s little face crumpled. She buried her head in her arms and put her butt in the air.

Parenting moment: What to say?

Nothing, I decided, except to acknowledge her feelings and share that yes, sometimes it doesn’t feel good to be teased.

Here I am at work thinking about that moment, and about the practice of letting feelings wash over and through you, and the wisdom that comes from it, and how badly I’ve needed that wisdom this past year, and how much I hope to gain from it in the year to come.

Suddenly happy

Last Friday I rushed out a response to a Request for Qualifications, hitting the &#8220send&#8221 button four minutes before the 5 pm deadline. At the time, it seemed like another chore to get done before starting the weekend. I was feeling deskbound and work-weary, and I was already ginning myself up for my Saturday ride.

I shouldn’t have let myself feel so burdened. First of all, the project was right up my alley: digging through some arcane and confusing regulations, boiling those down into implementable design criteria, facilitating consensus among regulators and municipal staff, training land development planners and engineers&#8212all stuff I like to do.

And it was a chance to finally get some payday after months of off-the-books assistance to the beleaguered staff of small-to-medium-sized California municipalities, including many on the Central Coast.

Today I got an email from the prospective client, asking to discuss what I’d sent in. My first thought was that I’d left something out of the submittal. To my surprise, they’d already selected, and I’m in.

And suddenly I was full of energy, and quite excited&#8212not just with the satisfaction of having won something, but with the prospect of doing the project, and particularly the anticipation of working more closely and frequently with the people involved.

The fact of this sudden pleasure&#8212it’s good information. At 54, and in the mature phase of my career, I sometimes question the choices I’ve made, and ask myself how long I want to keep doing this. Apparently, for now, a while longer.

December 20, 2012 by dan Personal Status Work Status 0

Strange Ride

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve ridden the single-speed to work a few times, and around town on errands.

I can now put Zoe in a rear-rack-mounted seat on the old hybrid&#8212much to her delight&#8212and make it at least as far as the preschool.

However, today, almost 8 weeks after the crash, was the first time I’ve put on my cycling shoes and taken the road bike around the hills.

It’s a different experience. In addition to the speed and agility of the bike, and the feeling of the road flying by under the skinny tires, there’s the workout: the sustained elevation in heart rate and breathing, the leg and arm muscles working close to their peak, the abdomen and back providing the balance and counterpoint.

Today it felt weird, and wrong. I was fatigued, then strong, then queasy.

Usually, climbing tires out the quadriceps and gluteus muscles. Today, my knees and calves and ankles and toes felt painfully out of alignment. Usually, a sustained climb brings a general weakness as blood sugar dwindles. Today, with each turn of the crank, the out-of-line, out-of-sync feeling in my lower legs, and the knocks and vibrations of the road, brought back the spacey out-of-it feeling I associate with the brain injury. Usually, an hour or two later I feel pleasantly tired and relaxed. Tonight, I feel a bit raw and needing quiet.

April 4, 2012 by dan Cycling Personal Status 0

Neighborhood Stroll

A few blocks of walking late last night has left my left calf and MCL singing. Most surprisingly, it also made me tired, the way an hour’s run or a 3-hour bike ride used to, before the February 9 crash.

I don’t know how hard to push myself. Each time, I’ll have to guess whether a little more effort will help strengthen or just re-injure the damaged tissue.

Mostly, it just felt good to move again.

March 17, 2012 by dan Personal Status 0

Hobble and Dither

A month after the February 9 crash, I’m still hobbled by two sprained ankles, two sprained knees, and a torn calf muscle. And I can’t seem to focus for very long, or for very much of the day, on work or on anything else.

I’m stuck between two conflicting desires: One, to relax into the pain and loss, and take more time to heal; the other, to move on, not “back to normal,” but ahead, with purpose.

My usual mode to resolve this kind of dilemma would be to take a long walk, or to drain off my energies on the bike.

Instead, I hobble. And dither.

March 9, 2012 by dan Personal Status 0

Inventory

In the first days after the accident, I felt bruised; I could still limp around. I spent much of the weekend with Zoe, and took her to a playground on Saturday. I went to the office in the mornings, and even went back in the late evenings to fulfill some overdue promises. I gave a talk up in Napa on Tuesday, and delivered a presentation in Martinez on Wednesday.

I felt unbelievably tired and wanted, above all else, to lie alone in a quiet room.

Driving back from Napa Tuesday, I had trouble finding my way home. I kept missing the exits, backtracking, choosing a different route–oh, I’ll just go this way instead–and then missing the next exit, again. Hmmm. Something was definitely wrong.

On Wednesday night, the agony in my legs set in. I upped the dose of Vicodin to the maximum, but the pain was still excruciating. The only relief was to lie perfectly still with my legs slightly elevated.

Thursday, my regular Kaiser doc checked out my legs and changed my prescription to Percocet.

This morning, the pain is resolving a bit, and I can differentiate what’s OK from what’s damaged (other than inside my skull): My left knee took a huge whack on the left side, loosening the patella and overstretching the MCL on the opposite side. My left calf muscle is separated a bit. My left ankle is sprained. The Achilles tendon is strained. My shin and the top of the foot are bruised. The right side faired a little better–sprained ankle, mostly, and considerable bruising on the shins. And a pulled calf muscle on that side as well.

So that’s what’s hurting worst. I also have some upper spine and neck pain, for which I got some chiro adjustments yesterday. Today I’m going back and hoping she’ll work on my shoulders.

I took a closer look at the photos of the car that I took from the gurney. it looks like there was significant damage to the front left fender. The bike came back from the shop OK–wheels knocked slightly out of true, and the handlebar tape scuffed, but with an intact frame–so I’ve got to guess that the impact from my body is what damaged the car. Ouch.

February 18, 2012 by dan Cycling Personal Status 0

Home for Lunch

My new lunchtime habit is to hop on my bike and ride the 8 blocks or so home. There, I can do a little yoga, wash up the breakfast dishes, and still make it back to the office in an hour or so. Or maybe a little more. And OK, I’ve done it twice, but I’d like it to become a habit.

January 4, 2012 by dan Personal Status 0

Rosy Outlook for 2012

Returning from New Years Day on the beach at the mouth of the Gualala R.

2011 was a hella good year, when I stop to think about it. I did a lot of things right and a few things wrong, and by that accounting I’m happy to be in the black.

Most of the wrong things had to do with not taking care of myself physically. I didn’t do enough yoga, and I’m noticably stiffer than I was a year ago. I also struggled with my cycling fitness&#8212I forced myself to train while being too short on sleep and often with a nagging cold. In December I fell off a ladder at home, bruising my ribs and aggravating a rotator cuff already overstretched from carrying around the toddler.

Most of the right things had to do with connecting, and reconnecting, with people. Many of my favorite memories of the year are of when I squeezed in time to spend with close friends&#8212a couple hours for a beer, or a whole day for cycling or skiing, or a few days for backpacking. Throughout the year I corresponded or got together with people I hadn’t seen in 10 or 25 or even 40 years, and I feel much the richer for each encounter.

At home, it’s been damned difficult at times. Right now it’s good. Zoe, now two-and-a-half, is growing and thriving and becoming more Zoe-like each day, which is what counts most.

At work, I continue to be blessed with work that inspires me. As the year turns, I’ve got projects at various stages of development&#8212some to wrap up, some to nurture into full flower, others just trying to get off the ground.

A lot of joy, and enough difficulty to keep it interesting. Who could ask for more?

January 2, 2012 by dan Personal Status 0